My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
Woody Allen
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
Woody Allen
He's so thin the 76ers' don't bother to take him on the road -- they just fax him from town to town.
Woody Allen
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen
In California, they don't throw garbage away -- they make it into TV shows.
Woody Allen
The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work . . . I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen
I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Woody Allen
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Woody Allen
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
Funny Quotes
It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.