My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
He's so thin the 76ers' don't bother to take him on the road -- they just fax him from town to town.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
In California, they don't throw garbage away -- they make it into TV shows.
The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work . . . I want to achieve it through not dying.
The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.