The amount of energy spent laughing at a joke should be directly proportional to the hierarchical status of the joke teller.
Never base your budget requests on realistic assumptions, as this could lead to a decrease in your funding.
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.
Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.
I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles.
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.
Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.
You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.