You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I don't generally feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.
I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money.
You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
When asked why he doesn't retire and go fishing, Bob Hope has a stock answer: 'Fish don't applaud.'
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.