I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Rodney Dangerfield
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney Dangerfield
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield
It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.