Remorse is regret that one waited so long to do it.
A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.
It is impossible to believe that the same God who permitted His own son to die a bachelor regards celibacy as an actual sin.
A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
In war the heroes always outnumber the soldiers ten to one.
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all others are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.
Archbishop -- A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.
A judge is a law student who grades his own papers.
The most valuable of all human possessions, next to a superior and disdainful air, is the reputation of being well-to-do.
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later, for another thing, they die earlier.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Alimony -- the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.