Funny sayings are really odd. One person can make the comment a classic while the next can make the same statement and have it totally flop. These sayings are closely related to our funny quotes. While reading the funny sayings below, try to picture the author making the saying. It can certainly help recall some pretty funny times! We hope you enjoy our funny sayings collection.


I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
-- Ronald Reagan

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
-- Bill Cosby

I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
-- Dreams For An Insomniac

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
-- George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-- George Carlin

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
-- Fred Allen

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
-- Mark Twain

Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!!
-- Animal House

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
-- Burt Bacharach

People are too durable, that's their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, they last too long.
-- Bertolt Brecht

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
-- Edward Flaherty

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
-- Victor Borge

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
-- Woody Allen

Man, of all the animals, is probably the only one to regard himself as a great delicacy.
-- Jacques Cousteau

He swallowed a lot of wisdom, but all of it seems to have gone down the wrong way.
-- Georg C. Lichtenberg

Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.
-- Jay Trachman

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.
-- Source Unknown

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
-- Jerry M. Wright

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-- Herb Caen

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
-- Buddy Hackett

Don't look back - something might be gaining on you.
-- Satchel Paige

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-- Phyllis Diller

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
-- Henry Louis Mencken

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-- Flip Wilson

The best thing that could happen to motherhood already has. Fewer women are going into it.
-- Victoria Billings

These childhood memories - I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the use of drugs.
-- Dave Barry

I never know whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses.
-- William M. Thackeray

If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.
-- Lily Tomlin

Sir, you are like a pin, but without either its head or its point.
-- Douglas Jerrold

It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.
-- Andrew Jackson

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
-- Woody Allen

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.
-- John Barrymore

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
-- Robert Frost

Murphy's Laws (as posted in Arizona Humor)

Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think

Murphy's Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.

Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.

Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
-- Murphy's Law

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
-- Bill Cosby

For the love of God, folks, don't do this at home.
-- David Letterman

The wit of a graduate student is like champagne. Canadian champagne.
-- Robertson Davies

Travel is educational; it teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry.
-- S. Barry Lipkin

I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.
-- Whoopi Goldberg

My ultimate vocation in life is to be an irritant.
-- Elvis Costello

You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.
-- Bob Hope

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Marion Barry

Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
-- Abraham Lincoln

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.''
-- Rita Rudner

You may be a redneck if . . . you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
-- Jeff Foxworthy

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.
-- Jack Handey

Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
-- W. C. Fields

I can resist everything except temptation.
-- Oscar Wilde

The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed.
-- Edna O'Brien

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
-- Jack Benny

Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.
-- Satchel Paige

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
-- George Burns

I am not what you would call a handsome man. God did not choose to bless me with good looks, charm or a fully functional brain.
-- Bobby Bouchet, Waterboy