Funny sayings are really odd. One person can make the comment a classic while the next can make the same statement and have it totally flop. These sayings are closely related to our funny quotes. While reading the funny sayings below, try to picture the author making the saying. It can certainly help recall some pretty funny times! We hope you enjoy our funny sayings collection.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
I either Get what I want or I change my mind.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!!
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
People are too durable, that's their main trouble. They can do too much to themselves, they last too long.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
Man, of all the animals, is probably the only one to regard himself as a great delicacy.
He swallowed a lot of wisdom, but all of it seems to have gone down the wrong way.
Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.
If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Don't look back - something might be gaining on you.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
The best thing that could happen to motherhood already has. Fewer women are going into it.
These childhood memories - I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the use of drugs.
I never know whether to pity or congratulate a man on coming to his senses.
If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed.
Sir, you are like a pin, but without either its head or its point.
It is a damned poor mind indeed that can't think of at least two ways of spelling any word.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.
Murphy's Laws (as posted in Arizona Humor)
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
For the love of God, folks, don't do this at home.
The wit of a graduate student is like champagne. Canadian champagne.
Travel is educational; it teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry.
I don't like driving very much. That makes me very unhappy, because I scream a lot in the car, but other than that, life is actually pretty good.
My ultimate vocation in life is to be an irritant.
You know you're getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.''
You may be a redneck if . . . you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.
Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.
I can resist everything except temptation.
The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, age don't matter.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
I am not what you would call a handsome man. God did not choose to bless me with good looks, charm or a fully functional brain.